What Caught My Eye Today

Mexico - Before we begin, I just want to state for the record, I didn't make any of this stuff up. A Mexican matador was arrested and charged with breach of contract after he got scared and ran out of the ring in the middle of a bullfight. Dude got arrested for being chicken? Wow. The matador had been badly gored a few months ago. In his latest match, when the bull charged toward him, he dropped his cape and leaped over the wall, drawing boos from the crowd. Police release him after he paid a fine. He has since announced his retirement Here's my favorite part. In announcing his retirement, the matador said, "There are some things you must be aware of about yourself. I didn't have the ability, I didn't have the balls, this is not my thing." You have to applaud the guy for so eloquently stating the obvious.

Potpourri - Time for another edition from the files of "so bizarre it must be true.

• Minnesota - The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has outlawed "Ladies Night," ruling that offering women discounted drinks is a form of gender discrimination.
  I find it fascinating that this brain trust fails to acknowledge that it is usually men who are paying for those drinks, so the real victims here are...yes, the men who are supposedly getting discriminated against.
• Michigan - A Michigan woman without health insurance shot herself to get medical attention. The woman said she injured her shoulder a month earlier and without insurance, "it would have to be life threatening for the hospital would treat her; so she shot herself in the shoulder. Doctors at the hospital treated the gunshot wound while ignoring the previous injury.
  That just ain't right.
• Britain - A British survey found that 84% of pregnant women had not been offered a seat on full trains. According to researchers, there are now so many obese women that fellow commuters can't be sure if the standee is pregnant or just fat.
  Okay, I stand corrected. Girlfriend in Michigan was just trying to skirt the system. This, on the other hand, just ain't right.
• Florida - A Florida was prohibited from visiting a client in prison when her underwire bra set off a metal detector. She removed the bra, but guards then refused her entry because her bralessness violated the prison dress code.
  Wrong again, I see. Alright, forget Annie Oakley in Michigan and those weight challenged slobs in Britain (It's called manners people. It doesn't matter if they are pregnant or overweight. If they look like they are about to collapse, offer up your seats, you lazy bastards!). This, clearly just ain't right.

Bangladesh - The government of Bangladesh has ordered factories to shut down and shopping malls to close every evening during the World Cup so that there will be enough electricity available for people to watch the soccer matches on television. It's always comforting to see evidence that government has its priorities in order. The order came after a power outage interrupted the transmission of games last weekend, prompting hundreds of angry fans to attack power transfer stations. Can you imagine how bad things would have been if Bangladesh had actually qualified for the World Cup?

Speaking of the the World Cup...

World Cup - We're down to the last set of group play games. Here are some highlights from the second set of group play games.

• What up with Europe? England, France, Germany, Italy and Spain all have to win (and in some cases need lots and lots of help) to advance to the knockout stage. Only the Netherlands have locked up a spot in the next round.
• What up with New Zealand and Switzerland? Apparently, someone forgot to tell they guys that they weren't supposed to be contending for spots in the final 16. It is conceivable that New Zealand, not Italy, will advance out of Group F.
• Cameroon and North Korea are the only 2 teams that have been officially eliminated from the World Cup.
• Along with the Netherlands, Argentina and Brazil have locked up spots in the next round.
• For the United States it is pretty simple--win its last game against Algeria and the Americans advance. Lose or tie and the World Cup is pretty much over for the Stars and Stripes.

My winning percentage bottomed out last Friday (29%; 5 for 17) and appears to be ticking back up. Through today's play (which I happened to pick all 3 winners), my winning percentage is up to 34% (11 for 32).

What Caught My Eye Today

Oil Spill - Have you ever wondered what it would be like for the leader of the free world to "kick someone's ass"? Me too. After intense negotiations, BP bowed to President Barack Obama's demand for a $20 billion fund to compensate victims of the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The humbled chairman of the giant British company apologized to the American people for the horrendous accident. Way to "lay your thang down", Mr. Prez. BP is to pay $5 billion a year over the next four years to set up the $20 billion fund. Obama emphasized that the $20 billion was "not a cap" and that BP would pay more if necessary. Also, civil penalties can be levied against the company under a variety of environmental protection laws, including fines of up to $1,100 under the Clean Water Act for each barrel of oil spilled. You can almost hear the lawyers tripping over each other trying to be the first to file those class action suits. The $20 billion amounts to somewhere between $169 and $313 per gallon of oil spilled so far, based on calculations that the federal government has made. So far, the oil spill has dumped between 63.8 million and 118.4 million gallons into the Gulf. In related news, analysts predict that the price of a gallon of gasoline is expected to rise slightly from around $3 a gallon to somewhere between $169 and $313 in the next 12 months.

Zimbabwe - Zimbabwe's leaders launched a program on to rewrite the nation's constitution ahead of an election planned next year. Odd. I wonder what brought this on. It couldn't possibly have anything to due with the zillion percent inflation rate. President Robert Mugabe, who has been in power in Zimbabwe since 1980, opposes that plan. This one...not so odd. Mugabe has never had much use for the needs of the people that he governs. The program to write a new constitution has been plagued by delays, bickering between coalition partners and shortages of cash to deploy lawmakers and officials to some 2,860 meeting centers across the country. And if that isn't complicating matters enough, there is this... Human rights groups and the independent Zimbabwe Election Support Network reported accusations of intimidation by Mugabe party militants to muzzle contributions by ordinary people to the constitutional debate. I see. Mugabe is okay with the program starting (sort of), he just won't allow any contributions to actually fund it. Considering this is Mugabe we're talking about here, again...not so odd.

France - For months, France's ruling conservatives have been shouting down even mere mention of the a-word. France would not imperil its timid economic recovery by applying austerity policies that other debt-concerned countries have adopted to cut deficits. Of course they wouldn't. Today the Labor Ministry announced that that the government will gradually add time to the current retirement age of 60 until the legal reference of 62 years is reached in 2018. Unable to find ways to cut debt painlessly, the government is now planning to continue rolling out what would be - and in fact are - called austerity measures in other parts of Europe. The government will also raise income taxes on wealthier workers and on capital gains by 1%. Where I come from, if it sounds like an austerity program, looks like an austerity program, walks like an austerity program, and feels like an austerity program...most likely it is, in fact, an austerity program. France is looking for $123 billion in savings to reduce its current 8% budget deficit to 3% by 2013. Best of luck, guys.

World Cup - My prognostication skill have really hit their stride now. Here's the latest as the first set of games in group play concluded earlier today.

• Spain lost its opening game to Switzerland in Group H. Spain is picked by many as a favorite to win the whole thing.
• Brazil beat North Korea 2-1 in Group G. Notable if for no other reason that Brazil, ranked #1 in the world was held scoreless by #105 ranked North Korea for almost an hour.
• Ghana in Group D is still the only one of the six African nations in the tournament to record a victory.
• The second set of group play games got underway with Uruguay beating host nation South Africa, 3 - 0. Things don't look to good for South Africa advancing to the next round.

My winning percentage so far: 29% (5 for 17).

What Caught My Eye Today

Oil Spill - For those of you keeping count, we are up to Day 57 of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill that began with the April 20 explosion and fire on the drilling rig Deepwater Horizon. In a newly optimistic tone, President Barack Obama promised that "things are going to return to normal" along the stricken Gulf Coast and the region's fouled waters will be in even better shape than before the catastrophic BP oil spill. Whew. That's a relief. I was really starting to worry that the Gulf Coast would be hosed for years. So what's the plan, Mr. Prez? The pledge was reminiscent of George W. Bush's promise to rebuild the region "even better and stronger" than before Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Bush could not make good on that promise, and Obama did not spell out how he would fulfill his. I see. There is no plan, just promise. Lovely. In related developments, the White House said it had wrested apparent agreement from BP PLC to set up an independent, multi-billion dollar compensation fund for people and businesses suffering from the spill's effects. This is a pre-cursor to the beat down, Obama has planned for later this week, when he meets face-to-face for the first time with BP executives. I'm guessing he's figured out whose ass he plans on kicking.

Afghanistan - Talk about hitting the mother lode... Geological surveys discovered large quantities of iron and copper as well as valuable deposits of lithium in Afghanistan that may be worth more than a trillion dollars. Lucky bastards. The discovery of mineral wealth will not provide an overnight solution. It would take years to build a large-scale mining industry and unless there is peace, it will be hard for investors to guarantee security. Pish posh. What's a few bullets compared with a trillion dollars. ONE TRILLION! That's a one followed by like a zillion zeroes. With so much more to fight for, it may also make a peace deal harder to forge. If Afghanistan's strategic value suddenly increases, so too might the battle for influence between regional giants India and China, and the United States. So what else is new? I say we focus on the positive. For the first time, Afghanistan might actually become an exporter of something legal.

The Moon - Speaking of untapped resources... The moon's interior may harbor 100 times more water than previous estimates, according to a new study that took a fresh look at samples of moon rocks collected by Apollo astronauts nearly 40 years ago. Researchers determined that the lunar water likely originated early in the moon's formation history, suggesting that it is, in fact, native to the moon. Scientists said it is likely that the water was preserved from the hot magma that was present when the moon began to form some 4.5 billion years ago. Even with this newly discovered windfall of water, it turns out the moon is still pretty dry. I point this out in order to work in this next bit of useless trivia...which as you all know, is what I'm all about. If all the water that is locked up in Mars was put on the lunar surface, it would cover the moon to a depth of just under 1 mile. And, if the same is done for all of the water inside the Earth, it would cover the entire lunar surface to a depth of 155 miles. In the meager attempt to tie this back to something relevant, I think this finding could actually support President Obama's recent decision to shelve plan's for NASA to go back to the Moon and instead focus on propulsion systems and technologies that would enable manned explorations further away. While widely criticized for this change in strategy, I believe Obama might be onto something here. The Moon is cool and everything, but facts are facts...it doesn't have anything that we need or want.

World Cup - Predictably, the teams that I thought were supposed to win didn't get my memo. Here's a quick rundown of the first set of games in group play.

• Host South Africa managed a tie with Mexico in Group A.
• The U.S. beat England 1-1 in Group C play (That was the headline, I swear. You see, England was supposed to beat the U.S., but ended up with a draw due to a deflection of the English goalkeeper that somehow managed to find the back of the net).
• Ghana in Group D is the only one of the six African nations in the tournament to record a victory.
• France and Italy could manage only draws in their respective openers (I bring this up because they played in the 2006 World Cup final--Italy won--and because, naturally, I thought they would win their opening matches)

My winning percentage so far: 36% (4 for 11)

What Caught My Eye Today - World Cup 2010 Picks

Soccer - Alright, boys and girls. It's time for the world's largest sporting event. For those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about...you might as well stop reading right now. As for the rest of you, here are my picks (in bold type) for teams advancing out of group play at the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa, starting with tomorrow's opening match between host team South Africa and the Tri Colores (aka Mexico).

• Group A: South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France
• Group B: Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece
• Group C: England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia
• Group D: Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana
• Group E: Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon
• Group F: Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia
• Group G (aka Group of Death): Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, Portugal
• Group H: Spain, Switzerland, Honduras, Chile

What Caught My Eye Today

Fictional Characters - As one who prides himself on having a wealth of useless information, I have to confess I didn't know the who any of these folks were. Turns out they are all rather familiar characters. See if you can figure out how these folks are. I'll post the answers at the end of this post.

• Barbara Millicent Roberts
• Patricia Reichardt
• Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs
• Milburn Pennybags
• Nostradamus Shannon
• Bibendum
• Jonas Grumby
• Norville Rogers
• John Reid

Oil Spill - It's Day 51 of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill that began with the April 20 explosion and fire on the drilling rig Deepwater Horizon, and on this day, we have a shocking revelation.According to analysis conducted by the Associated Press, BP PLC's 582-page regional spill plan for the Gulf, and its 52-page, site-specific plan for the Deepwater Horizon rig are riddled with omissions and glaring errors. Gee whiz, really? Here's another newsflash...the government approved the plan. But, seriously, how bad could those errors really be? Among the glaring errors in the report: A professor is listed in BP's 2009 response plan for a Gulf of Mexico oil spill as a national wildlife expert. He died in 2005. The plan lists cold-water marine mammals including walruses, sea otters, sea lions and seals as "sensitive biological resources." None of those animals live anywhere near the Gulf.Also, names and phone numbers of several Texas A&M University marine life specialists are wrong. So are the numbers for marine mammal stranding network offices in Louisiana and Florida, which are disconnected. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Fast Food - It would appear that ordering off menu items isn't just limited to special patrons. You just need to know how to say what you want.

• In-N-Out Burger’s "secret menu" isn’t so secret these days (click here), but one item that doesn't appear on that menu the Flying Dutchman, which is two slices of cheese sandwiched between two patties, hold the bun.
  Oh sweet Jesus. Come to poppa.
• Starbucks offers the Short size; it's like a little baby cup of coffee.
  Seriously, what's wrong with small, medium or large?
• Wendy's offers the Grand Slam, which is four patties stacked on a bun. It’s also known as the Meat Cube.
  There's a lovely mental image.
Taco Bell has a not-advertised green chili sauce at most locations, and apparently it's excellent
Not advertised but excellent. Call me crazy, but I'm a bit skeptical as too just how good this green chili sauce really is.
• At Fatburger, you can order a Hypocrite; a veggie burger topped with crispy strips of bacon.
  Here's what I want to know. What is a place named FatBurger thinking by offering a veggie burger on its menu? Like that's what their customers are really looking for in a burger.

Fictional Characters - So how well did you do?

• Barbara Millicent Roberts - Barbie (as in Barbie doll)
• Patricia Reichardt - Peppermint Patty from Peanuts
• Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs - The Wizard of Oz
• Milburn Pennybags - Rich Uncle Pennybags (from the board game Monopoly)
• Nostradamus Shannon - Bull (from the sitcom "Night Court)
• Bibendum - The Michelin Man
• Jonas Grumby - Skipper (from the sitcom "Gilligan's Island")
• Norville Rogers - Shaggy (from the cartoon "Scooby Doo"
• John Reid - The Lone Ranger

What Caught My Eye Today

Real Estate (Part I) - The fine folks at Forbes measured 200 Metropolitan Statistical Areas looking at the last five years of income growth, current unemployment rates and cost of living, crime rates and arts and culture ratings, using data from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Moody's Economy.com, the FBI Crime Report and Sperling's Best Places (what a mouthful) to come up with its list of the 5 most livable cities in the U.S. Think your town made the list?

1. Pittsburg, PA. Pittsburgh's art scene, job prospects, safety and affordability make it the most livable city in the country.
   Just out of curiosity, where does desirability fit into this ranking? I have yet to meet the person "jonesing" to relocate to Pittsburgh.
2. Ogden, UT. Unemployment in the metro is below average, and incomes have increased by 3.4% over the last five years.
   Did you know that Ogden is home to Weber State University? Neither did I. Did you care? Neither did I.
3. Provo, UT. The metro has the highest five-year income growth, 5.2%, of all the cities measured.
   I have a theory about these income increases. I'm thinking there isn't much to do in these places, what with everything being closed on Sundays, so maybe these folks have all this income because there is nothing to spend that income on.
4. Ann Arbor, MI.
   Great college parties...I guess.
5. Harrisburg, PA
   Harrisburg? Honestly, does desirability factor into this at all?

Real Estate (Part II) - Okay, so that last list is questionable at best. Now let's have some real fun and check out the five most miserable cities (again based on rankings compiled by Forbes).

1. Cleveland, OH. Cleveland secured the position thanks to its high unemployment, high taxes, lousy weather, corruption by public officials and crummy sports teams.
   Finally, a ranking that I do not dispute (sorry Cleveland), though I bet LeBron James might dispute that statement about lousy sports teams.
2. Stockton, CA. Unemployment and crime continue to be major issues and Stockton residents have average commutes that are among the highest in the country. Plus, like all Californians, they suffer from onerous sales and income taxes.
   These dudes are suffering enough as it is. I cannot bring myself to pile on any more misery.
3. Memphis, TN. Memphis has the second-worst rate of violent crime in the country and an alarming rate of convicted public officials.
   All that might be true, but they have some wicked good barbecue in Memphis.
4. Detroit, MI.
   Ah, Detroit. I don't care what the rankings say. You'll always be best of the worst on my list.
5. Flint, MI.
   Thank you, auto industry.

Men - Alright, boys. Your wildest dreams are about to be answered. At long last (courtesy of Esquire magazine), we have the definitive list of what the ideal man should be...according to the ladies.

At 18:
He should be compassionate, at least. Anything to get to second base, right?
He should be good with the parents. Yours or his?
He should have a goal. He does. After taking second base, steal third and hope the reach home by the end of the first date.
He should know how to whittle wood. Is this a sex thing? If so, what pray tell does "whittle wood" pertain to?
We don't expect very much, to be honest. That's probably best.

At 27:
He should be reliable. Keep reaching for those stars, ladies.
He shouldn't rely on text messaging as a tool of courtship. Exactly. I find booze is much more effective anyway.
He should have a "way" about him. Oh he does. The question is whether the ladies like that "way".
He should have traveled the world. Right. That whole establishing a career is totally overrated.
He should know how to cook one thing really well. That would be chili.
He should have a political affiliation. Independent counts, right? Or is that just a fancy way of saying, I'm too lazy to vote for the next politician who gets to screw me.
He should, every now and then, substitute a light beer with Scotch on the rocks. Seriously, that's important to you?
He should behave as if his mother raised him correctly — even if she didn't. Of course! What every girl hopes for--a mama's boy.

At 35:
He should not have a belly. Quid pro quo, ladies. Quid pro quo. Unless, of course you are carrying our offspring. You get a pass in that case.
He should have decided on a sexual preference. You mean besides..."Yes"?
He should possess the thoughtfulness required to help a mom with a stroller and two kids up the stairs. It's not about the thoughtfulness; it's the motivation to expend energy on a deed that is likely to have little or no upside. Most men, could derive the same satisfaction consuming a cold beer.
He should not have mommy issues. Who's mommy, yours or his?
He should have moved on from pickup lines to conversation starters. So like, "Would you like to to sleep with me?" isn't interesting enough to start a dialogue?
He should want the party to end at some point. This is all about the timing. I'm sure the ladies are just as unhappy when boyfriend is ready to call it a night, before her party has peaked--so to speak.

At 44:
He should be a real partner. As opposed to what, an imaginary friend?
He should still be eager to learn. He is. For example, I'm sure he asks himself on a daily basis, "what did I do wrong this time?"
He should be able to sing along to all the songs on Boston's first album. Boston?
He should be financially secure. Before or after getting hitched?
He should understand the importance of jewelry in a woman's life. This seems related to that last item. If he is married financially insecure, I'm guessing he has a fair idea of how important jewelry is to women. If he is married and financially secure, then he clearly doesn't have a clue.
He should take out the garbage without being asked. Honestly, who dreamed up this social convention?
He should be sexy. Oh, he is, ladies. You just don't see it.
He should be a gentleman. Oh, he is. You just don't see it. Maybe you should think about getting your eyes check, or something.

At 53:
He should work out. Newsflash, girls. If he hasn't started by now, it probably isn't going to happen.
He should smell like something: aftershave or cologne. Are those the only options? I mean, everyone likely the aroma of a good steak. Would that work?
He should know politics. Why? So you can have more to fight about?
He should be faithful. I know, I know. Nobody likes a cheater.
He should like Bob Dylan. I'll concede this one.
He should dance. We'd dance more if you stopping laughing at us every time we did the Cabbage Patch. You watch. It'll make a come back one of these days.
He should not be addicted to his work. Speaking strictly for myself--Can do.
He should admit his mistakes. Here's the deal, ladies. When the day comes that we make a mistake, we'll happily admit it.

What Caught My Eye Today

Fear - Remember the old saying, "you have nothing to fear, but fear itself."? In this day and age, there is plenty to scare the pants off anyone...several times over. But here is any interesting question--are we really fearing the right stuff? Let's find out shall we? What should you really be afraid of (answers are posted at the end of this post)?

• Murder or suicide?
• Children abducted by strangers or Children who drown in pools?
• Burglary or identity theft?
• Shark attack or dog bite?
• Killed by terrorist attack or seasonal flu?
• Death by allergic reaction to peanut or accidental poisoning?
• Women's death from breast cancer or cardiovascular disease?
• Death by airline accident or car crash?
• Audit by the IRS or death?

Nuclear Proliferation - Uncharacteristically, we have some good news here. The 189 member nations of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty adopted a detailed plan of small steps down a long road toward nuclear disarmament, including a sharply debated proposal to move toward banning doomsday arms from the Middle East. Under its action plan, the five recognized nuclear-weapon states — the United States, Russia, Britain, France and China — commit to speed up arms reductions, take other steps to diminish the importance of atomic weapons, and report back on progress by 2014. The final document also calls for convening a conference in 2012 "on the establishment of a Middle East zone free of nuclear weapons and all other weapons of mass destruction." Fascinating idea. I wonder, did anyone mention this initiative to the Iranian government? This Arab idea of a WMD-free zone is designed to pressure Israel to give up its undeclared nuclear arsenal. Oh yeah, I'm sure the Israelis are totally up for that. Establishment of a verifiable Mideast nuclear weapons-free zone should help allay international concerns about whether Iran's ambitious nuclear program is aimed at building bombs, something Tehran denies. The Iranians have long expressed support for a nuke-free Mideast. They sure have a funny way of showing it, don't they. Still, in the interest of a nuclear free planet, however many lifetimes from now it might take to realize that day, I say bravo to the progress made here.

Potpourri - It's been awhile since we've had one. This time our theme is, "how exactly does this qualify as news?"

• Stress - A recent report found that 51 New York City bus drivers took off an average of more than two paid months in the past year to recover from the emotional trauma of being spat on by passengers.
  I'm not saying that the actions are justified, but this sounds a lot more like an occupational hazard rather than a reason to claim emotional trauma.
• Role Models - Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's 19 year old daughter, charges $15,000 to $30,000 per appearance to tell teens why they should practice abstinence...so they don't become unwed mothers...like her.
  Funny and tragic at the same time, don't you think?
• Current Events - A recently published study found that Britons were spending slightly more time reading news online than looking at pornography.
  I get the feeling that this is intended to suggest that civilization has not completely deteriorated, but here's my question. Is the gap between watch news rather than porn increasing or decreasing? Funny how the study seems to omit that little nugget.

Fear - So are you fretting over the right stuff?

• Murder or suicide?
  In 2008, there were 14,180 murders in the U.S. compared with 33,289 suicides.
• Children abducted by strangers or Children who drown in pools?
  In 1999, 115 children were abducted compare with 288 who died by drowning in 2006.
• Burglary or identity theft?
  There were 2.2 million burglaries reported in 2007 compared with 8.3 million incidents of identity theft reported in 2005.
• Shark attack or dog bite?
  In 2009, there were 28 attacks by Jaws versus 4.5 million by Cujo.
• Killed by terrorist attack or seasonal flu?
  There were 33 terrorist attacks on Americans in 2008 versus more than 36,000 deaths due to the common flu.
• Death by allergic reaction to peanut or accidental poisoning?
  Less than 100 died from peanut allergies compared to 27,531 who died "accidentally" from poisoning in 2006.
• Women's death from breast cancer or cardiovascular disease?
  There were 40,170 women who succumbed to breast cancer in 2009 versus 432,709 who died from cardiovascular disease.
• Death by airline accident or car crash?
  There were 321 fatalities related to airline travel in 2005 compared with 34,017 auto fatalities in 2008.
• Audit by the IRS or death?
  1.4 million Americans were audited in 2009; 2.4 million died. No correlation I'm sure.

What Caught My Eye Today

Fred's Note: Upon reflection, yesterday's topics were a bit on the heavy side. By sheer coincidence, today's postings (with the possible exception of the first one) are much more on the lighter side.

Zimbabwe - Here's a riddle for you...What do you get the delusional leader of a nation who apparently has everything? If you happen to be the "whack job" leader of another country I guess you do something like this. Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is assembling a "Noah's Ark" of Zimbabwean wildlife, as a gift to his fellow dictator and ally, North Korea's Kim Jong Il. Sure, why not? Park officials have captured pairs of baby elephants, rhinos, giraffes, warthogs and other species, which are to be shipped to Pyongyang. Mugabe gave North Korea two rhinos in the 1980s; they died after just a few months. It seems these endangered species don't have enough going against them. Forget that their very existence is at risk; let's ship them off to North Korea for the amusement of the Beloved Leader. Who knows, maybe some of them might actually survive more than a few months this time.

National Debt - If you are anything like me, you have spent countless nights pondering what to do with all that spare cash you have lying around. Fear not, my friends. I have the perfect solution. If you would like to help the U.S. pay its public debt, the Treasury would be glad to take your money. They've set up a convenient online form to make it easy (click here). "Welcome to the United States Treasury's site for making donations to help reduce the public debt," the form says. "If you would like to make a donation, please fill in the required fields and click the Submit Data button when completed. Your contribution will be deposited to the account "Gifts to Reduce the Public Debt." Your contribution is accepted under the provisions of 31 U.S.C. 3113 which authorizes the Secretary of the Treasury to accept conditional gifts to the United States for the purpose of reducing the public debt. These donations are voluntary, and no goods, services, or other considerations are provided to the donors." I am so there.

Teenagers - As if it wasn't hard enough to survive puberty. Apparently, it makes you stupid, too. A recent study suggests that puberty may set off changes in the brain that make it the hardest time in life to learn new things. Researchers have found that during puberty unusual changes take place in the hippocampus, a region of the brain involved in memory and learning. There is a sudden growth of receptors for a chemical that calms them down but also interferes with learning. Whew. That's a relief. All this time I was thinking that it was all that binge drinking and preoccupation with hooking with the opposite sex that was to blame. Who would have thought that being dumb was just part of growing up. Woo hoo!

Junk Food - New research suggests junk food is literally addictive, producing changes in brain chemistry similar to those cocaine causes. Far be it from me to mock science, but...Duh. Of course its addictive. Why else would so many of use inhale so much of this crap on a daily basis? Researchers measured the brain activity of rates given unfettered access to fatty, high-calorie food. The rats quickly became obese and ate compulsively and continuously, even ignoring electric shocks applied to their feet in the presence of food. The same shocks applied to the control group deterred those rates from eating. Again, duh. The junk food probably tasted better, thereby warranting the trivial cost of shock therapy. As the rats consumed the junk food, the pleasure centers of their brains lit up just as if they were taking drugs. When the junk food was removed in favor of healthier food, the rats were so upset that they basically starved themselves. Seriously, can you blame them? Once you have tasted the sweet ambrosia that is "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun" its hard--I daresay, impossible--to expect any real satisfaction from a celery stick.

What Caught My Eye Today

South Korea -If you thought that the alleged torpedoing of a South Korea vessel by a North Korean sub (alleged, my butt) was a big deal, well my friends, you would be mistaken. Here is some truly epic news from our friends on the Korean peninsula. South Korea has imposed a gaming curfew to try to crack down on what authorities call an epidemic of video game addiction among the young. Seriously, I am not making this up. The Culture Ministry announced that anyone under the age of 18 would be blocked from accessing popular online computer games after midnight. Other games must add features that will drastically slow the speed of Internet access once the player has been logged on for a certain number of hours. The measures come in response to a rash of incidents that shocked the nation in recent months including a couple that was charged with letting their infant starve to death while they raised a "virtual child" on the Internet. Where to begin? Okay...Culture Ministry? What up with that? Now the government is qualified to tell us what is culturally acceptable. I thought that's what radio talk show hosts were for. As for time spent on the Internet, where I come from how someone chooses to waste his or her time is a personal choice or, in the case of a minor, left to the discretion of the parent or guardian. Honestly, has the notion of personal accountability completely vanished from our so-called "advanced civilized" society?

Somalia - The Islamist militant group that controls much of Somalia has ordered radio stations to stop airing music. Hizbul Islam, which has already banned bras, musical ring tones, and movies, declared that music is "un-Islamic." Is it now? And just where in the Koran is that little nugget buried? Anyone? Somali radio stations tend to play a mix of American, European, and African rock and rap. Then again, these guys might be onto something. Some of the stuff coming out of my boom box causes my ears to shudder a bit every now and again. Now if Hizbul Islam were really serious about stopping the music, they would pay more attention to what we're doing in the United States. We're going after music at the source. Think about it. Music and arts programs are being suspended or completely shut down in schools all over the country. Banning music on the radio--what a bunch of amateurs.

Uganda - After a global outcry, Ugandan lawmakers have recommended dropping a bill that would have punished homosexual behavior with death. A commission created by Ugandan President Yowere Museveni ruled that just about every clause in the bill was unconstitutional. You don't say. Well then, they better get on the ball and get cracking on a new constitution that isn't constrained by morals or respect for basic human rights. The measure would have required Ugandans to report anybody they suspected of being gay and was backed by Ugandan evangelical churches, some of which have been supported and partially financed by U.S. churches. I'm all for people having the freedom to believe what they want. Heck, I believe in all sorts of wacky stuff. What I don't get is this strong aversion to same sex relations that seems to preoccupy some folks who have what I guess you would call "deeply religious convictions." What are you people afraid of? Is there some threat that homosexuality poses to your way of life. Clearly, if anyone has reason to be fearful, it is the gay community which if the Ugandan evangelicals had their way, would be killed out in short order. News flash, people. I'm pretty sure these folks are as interested in your lifestyle as you are of theirs. They won't piss in your pool if you don't piss in theirs. And there are a lot of pools out there (70% of the planet is water, you know).

India - And now for something completely out of left field, we bring you the latest challenge to confound our friends on the sub-continent. India is bringing an executioner out of retirement to hang the only Mumbai attacker who was captured alive. The attacker was sentenced to death by hanging for participating in the 2008 attack that killed at least 173 people at hotels, hospitals, and other locations in India's largest city. But because India does not have a single working hangman, officials were not sure how or when the sentence would be carried out. I can certainly see how that could pose a dilemma. How could you possibly carry out a death sentence without a hangman's noose? Few people want to learn the profession, which demands skill but pays less than $5 per hanging. Luckily, a retired hangman offered to do the deed. Maybe those retired executioners should think about unionizing. Collectively bargaining could certainly lead to higher wages and maybe even include a decent dental plan.

What Caught My Eye Today

Fred's Notes: My thoughts on government officials are pretty well documented, but still you have to feel some sympathy for some governments that have had a tough go of things recently.

Great Britain - Exhibit #1. The British parliament was officially dissolved today, as a nationwide election campaign launches to determine if Gordon Brown head of the Labour party can hang on as prime minister. Under the British parliamentary system, voters choose a member of parliament from each of 650 constituencies, or districts. The party with the most seats traditionally gets the first chance to form the new government. Queen Elizabeth II, as head of state, formally dissolved parliament on Monday. The announcement means there are officially no members of Parliament as of 5 p.m. London time. According to an official government announcement, "MPs immediately revert to being members of the general public and lose all the privileges associated with being a Member of Parliament." Ouch. That's got to sting. Government ministers remain in charge of their departments until after the election result is known but do not make any major policy decisions. Sounds sort of like our government, if you think about it. In an election year, no real policies are likely to make it out of Congress as lawmakers try to figure out how to keep their jobs for another term. I think the U.K. might be onto something here. With no set schedule for calling for new elections, Parliament has to go about it business all the time rather. And when elections are called for, they occur in a matter of weeks. Here in the U.S. it is almost as if election season never ends.

Thailand - Exhibit #2. Pressure is mounting on Thailand's Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, days after 21 people died in clashes between troops and anti-government protesters. The army chief says parliament should be dissolved, and election officials have recommended Abhisit's party be disbanded over illegal donations. Abhisit, widely perceived to have strong army backing, said his coalition and the military remained united. All evidence to contrary, wouldn't you say? The army plays a prominent role in Thai politics - former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was ousted by the military in 2006. Shortly after the announcement, the Election Commission recommended that Abhisit's Democrat Party should be dissolved. I'm not an expert on Thai politics--heck I barely understand American politics--but they bare some semblance to concepts that the average "Joe the Plubmer" can relate to. In the States with have red states (Republicans) and blues states (Democrats). Simple enough, right. Well in Thailand, its basically the same thing...with different colors. Red-shirts formally called the United Front for Democracy Against Dictatorship (UDD) consist mostly of poorer workers from rural areas, while yellow-shirts, known as the Peoples' Alliance for Democracy, consist of a loose coalition of mostly urban middle-class royalists and businessmen. And just like the Republicans and Democrats in the U.S. these two parties don't care for each other very much, despite the fact that both sides are equally guilty of questionable tactics both in government and the elections that fill those government positions.

Poland - Exhibit #3. This one is so incredible (I'm using the text book definition here), if it had been a movie script it would have been laughed off as too far-fetched Poland's military, political and church elite was decimated on Saturday in a plane crash, killing the Polish president and dozens of other officlals. Ninety-six people were killed in total. Among the dead were Poland's president Lech Kaczynski, his wife, the army chief of staff, the navy chief commander and heads of the air and land forces. Also on board were the national bank president, deputy foreign minister, army chaplain, head of the national security office, deputy parliament speaker, Olympic committee head, civil rights commissioner, at least two presidential aides and three members of Parliament. That's the equivalent of wiping out the braintrust of the White House, the Pentagon and Capitol Hill all at the same time. Pretty scary thought, isn't it?
The crash also shocked Russia. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin personally took charge of the investigation and publicly offered condolences, along with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. Early indications pointed to pilot error in heavy fog as a factor in the crash. Both black boxes have been found. Preliminary data indicated that the plane clipped the treetops as it was making the approach to the airport in poor visibility.

And now for something completely different...

Golf - Honestly, who isn't happy for Phil Mickelson and his entire family in winning his third Masters title...besides Lee Westwood who was leading going into the final round and ended up second and Tiger Woods, who always sulks when he doesn't win. Atta boy, Phil. Enjoy this one. Lord knows you and the family have endured more than your fair share of tough times this past year.

As for my boy, Tiger. Dude, chill. You've been collecting dust for 5 months and you still managed a 4th place finish. Sure you missed some shots...a lot in fact. That's what happens when you're coming of a 5 month self-imposed exile (remind me again, why you did that?). How about taking some satisfaction in the fact that with all that rust, only 3 guys played better than you did.

What Caught My Eye Today

Qatar - U.S. air marshals wrestled a Qatari diplomat to the floor on a flight to Denver in a security scare that prompted fighter jets to be scrambled and top White House aides to brief President Barack Obama. The incident turned out to be a false alarm, triggered when the Qatari reportedly lit a cigarette in one of the plane's restrooms and then, when confronted, joked he was trying to ignite his shoes. Ha. Ha. Real funny, dumb ass. Next time chew on a stick of Nicorette, you moron. The scare prompted fighter jets to scramble and intercept the flight amid fears of a possible repeat of a passenger's foiled attempt to bring down a Northwest Airlines jet on Christmas Day as it approached to land at Detroit. A State Department official said, "His ability to function effectively has been compromised," adding that the diplomat will probably not be returning to the United States after the incident. The comment came after officials were calling for the diplomat to either be recalled or expelled for doing just about "everything wrong" on board the flight. Now that's a little harsh. You do have to credit the guy for getting on the right plane in the first place. Seriously, dude, don't let the door hit you on the way back to Qatar.

2012 Presidential Campaign - This is a joke right? Sadly, no. Little more than a year into President Barack Obama's first term, Republicans considering a challenge to the Democrat in his re-election bid were gauging their political strength at the first GOP candidate "cattle call" in New Orleans at the three-day Southern Republican Leadership Conference. No less than a dozen Republicans are mulling over candidacies. It's a wide-open field with big personalities but little issue diversity. The hopefuls are encouraged by an increasing chorus of Republicans who argue that Obama could be a one-term president. The theory is that Obama is overreaching in his efforts to dramatically change the country's policies on everything from health care to climate change. This guy has some nerve. How does he think he is and what makes him think he has some mandate to lead? And what's all this nonsense about trying to address multiple problems? Someone is definitely a little koo-koo for Coco Puffs. Republicans predict that voters may ultimately reject his sweeping government policies in a nation that tilts more conservative than it does liberal. On a more serious note, I think the Republicans have it half right. I think that is certainly the possibility that some Americans might get a bit nervous about the implication of all the policy changes that the current Administration is making, but let us not forget that a big reason Obama is in the White House is that a pretty big chunk of the electorate didn't like the status quo. In my humble opinion, the jitters the Republicans are predicting have less to due with conservative versus liberal values, and more to do with the fear of the unknown. No one ever said change was easy, but that doesn't mean that change should be avoided.

Nepal - Nepal and China have agreed to recognize the snow and rock heights of Mount Everest, ending a long-standing debate about the height of the world's tallest mountain. One cannot help but marvel at what modern-day diplomacy can achieve, though I was not aware that the height of Mount Everest was causing an international incident. The official Everest snow height of 29,028 feet was measured by the Survey of India in 1954. Chinese mountaineers and researchers climbed Mount Everest in May 2005 to determine its height afresh and concluded that the rock height of the peak was about 11 feet less than the estimates made in 1954, or the summit was 29,017 feet. Officials from China and Nepal who met this week said both heights were accurate. Sure they are. Just like 2+2 and 2+3 both equal 4. In 1999, an expedition by the National Geographic Society and Boston's Museum of Science used satellite-based technology to measure the height of the snow covered peak, and determined the mountain stood 29,035 feet high. Which I guess means that 3+3 also equals 4. You know, when I was in college, I was trying to figure out whether I should major in Accounting or Finance. My advisor explained the difference in courses of study like this--In Accounting, your focus is on making sure numbers in the "past" add up; in Finance, your focus is making sure numbers in the "future" look good. I chose Finance thinking it would be much easier to come up with a compelling argument as opposed to explaining an unfortunate truth. Perhaps I should have explored a career in diplomacy.

Asteroids - Feeling lucky today? You should. A newly discovered asteroid zipped by Earth today, but posed no threat of crashing into our planet even though it is passed within the orbit of the moon. The asteroid, called 2010 GA6, is a relatively small space rock about 71 feet wide. NASA astronomers said not to worry...the planet is safe. That's a relief. At the time of its closest pass, asteroid 2010 GA6 was about 223,000 miles from the Earth. In January, the small asteroid 2010 AL30 passed within 80,000 miles when it zipped by. NASA routinely tracks asteroids and comets that may fly near the Earth with a network of telescopes on the ground and in space. The agency's Near-Earth Object Observations program, more commonly known as Spaceguard, is responsible for finding potentially dangerous asteroids and studying their orbits to determine if they pose a risk of hitting the Earth. How much do you want to bet that all these tracking posts are loaded up with a bunch of booze and some comfy mattresses. Think about it. These guys will be among the first to know when the world is about to come to an end. Why wouldn't they be prepared to go out with a bang (you know drinking, sex, et cetera, et cetera).

What Caught My Eye Today

Anti-Government - The FBI is warning police across the country that an anti-government group's call to remove governors from office could provoke violence. The group called the Guardians of the free Republics wants to "restore America" by peacefully dismantling parts of the government. More than 30 governors had received letters saying if they don't leave office within three days they will be removed. The FBI associated the letter with "sovereign citizens," most of whom believe they are free from all duties of a U.S. citizen, like paying taxes or needing a government license to drive. Let me begin by saying I am all for freedom of speech and all other freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution. That being said, I'm confused by what it is that these "sovereign citizens" are trying to accomplish. Think about it. Where else but the United States would these nut jobs be granted freedom to pull idiotic stunts like this? Here's a thought...if you don't like the way we run things here, go someplace else.

New Moore Island - Perhaps a more fitting name might be "No More" Island. For nearly 30 years, India and Bangladesh have argued over control of a tiny rock island in the Bay of Bengal. Now rising sea levels have resolved the dispute for them: the island's gone. New Moore Island in the Sunderbans has been completely submerged. Until 2000, the sea levels rose about a tenth of an inch a year, but over the last decade they have been rising about two-tenth of an inch annually. That doesn't seem like all that much does it? Another nearby island, Lohachara, was submerged in 1996 and at least 10 other islands in the area are still at risk. India and Bangladesh both claimed the empty New Moore Island, which is about 2 miles long and 1.5 miles wide. Bangladesh referred to the island as South Talpatti. There were no permanent structures on New Moore, but India sent some paramilitary soldiers to its rocky shores in 1981 to hoist its national flag. You have to hand it to Mother Nature. Our so-called evolved species spends 30 years arguing over what basically amounts to a really big sand bar and accomplishes nothing. Meanwhile, that old bird--probably tired of listening to all the petty bickering--quietly goes about her business and removes the bone of contention...literally. You go, girl.

Netherlands - A Dutch political party formed by admitted pedophiles has disbanded, after failing to attract enough support to get on the national ballot. Imagine that. It was the second election in a row in which the Party for Brotherly Love, Freedom, and Diversity had failed to gather the necessary 600 signatures. Putting aside for the moment the irony of the name of this party, get this. These dudes are serious enough about their ambitions that they even put together a party platform. Want to venture a guess as to which social issues they target? The party's platform calls for lowering the age of sexual consent to 12 and legalizing child pornography. I'm all for democracy and freedom of speech, but you have to draw a moral line as some point. This is just plain wrong.

Georgia - Had this happened yesterday, it might have been funny (what with it being April 1 and all). Alas, it did not, so one can only assume that the rocket scientist who dreamt up this stunt didn't think this all the way through. Panic broke out in the nation of Georgia last week when a TV station reported that President Mikheil Saakashvili had been assassinated and that Russian tanks were rolling into the country. The television station said its broadcast, coming just 18 months after the real war between Russia and the former Soviet republic, was identified as "hypothetical" and was meant to persuade viewers that Russia is still a threat. Sort of reminds you of "War of the Worlds" doesn't it? Evidently most viewers missed the disclaimer. Now it sounds exactly like "War of the Worlds". People rushed into the streets, cell phone networks collapsed from overuse, and dozens were hospitalized for anxiety and heart attacks. One would hope that those in positions to impact the lives of some many, would have a sense of responsibility--and dare I say, a conscience--that would restrain them from "crying fire in the middle of a crowded theater". Clearly that is not the case here.

Humor - Pay attention now. If you don't you might miss the punchline. A group of 40-year old buddies discuss where to meet for dinner. They agree on a particular restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses and nice breasts. Ten years later, they gather again to decide on a place to meet. They agree on that same restaurant because the food is good and the wine selection is fantastic. Ten years later, at 60, the group yet again chooses the same restaurant because it is quiet. Ten years later, at 70, they choose the same restaurant because it has wheelchair access. Ten years later, at 80, the group picks that restaurant because none of them have ever been there.

Happy Easter, everyone.

What Caught My Eye Today

Healthcare - Hard as it may be to embrace the notion that the U.S. Congress might pass some actual legislation, that indeed appears to be the case. Democrats in the House of Representatives predicted weekend passage of a sweeping healthcare overhaul that budget analysts said would cut the U.S. deficit over 10 years and dramatically expand health coverage. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that the legislation will expand insurance coverage to 32 million uninsured Americans at a cost of $940 billion over 10 years and cut the deficit by $138 billion in the same period through new fees and cost-cutting measures. Better late than never, but did it really need to be this difficult? I'm a social liberal (big surprise there), so obviously I'm in favor of extending healthcare to as many people as we can. As the richest nation on the planet, I fail to see why we wouldn't have tried to do this sooner. But that's not even my biggest gripe about this saga. How is that the the Democrats, armed with its largest mandate in decades (after the 2008 presidential election), could manage to foul this process up so badly. You idiots had a super majority in the Senate for almost two years! It's not like your Republican counterparts were offering up any competing ideas (I'm sorry, but "starting over" does not constitute a new idea). I'm in awe (not in a good way) at the gargantuan ineptitude exhibited by the Democratic leadership in managing this debacle.

That being said, the Democratic party does not have a monopoly on practice of "stupid is as stupid does."

Politics - The Republican party doesn't suffer a management problem, so much as it does an identity crisis. Tea party, RINO...it's hard to keep track of all these labels. There is a a common perception that the Tea Party movement was founded, funded and dominated by the Republican Party. Most of them are current or former Republicans -- up to 80% or more, with the rest split between Democrats, independents and Libertarians. But Tea Partiers insist that they are not beholden to the GOP and warn that Republican candidates counting on an endorsement from them in the upcoming November elections may well be disappointed. The Tea Party movement is united by three core principles: constitutionally limited government, free market ideology and low taxes. The American Constitution is a rallying cry and many now dub themselves "constitutional conservatives." Sounds pretty patriotic to me, but I cannot shake this feeling, that there is something just not right with all this. They are angry not just at what they describe as the socialist policies of U.S. President Barack Obama. They also feel Republican politicians have betrayed the party's ideals. For many in the movement, purging the party of moderate Republicans is a major goal. Conservatives derisively call moderate Republicans RINOs -- Republican In Name Only. They are angry at moderates over issues like immigration and the cap and trade climate bill. And there it is. Can someone please enlighten me as to when the concept of moderation became so toxic? And when did sensible immigration and climate control legislation become akin to becoming a socialist state? Tea Partiers are targeting not just prominent Democrats in the upcoming elections but also key moderate Republicans like Charlie Crist in Florida and former presidential candidate John McCain in Arizona. Dude, these guys are pissed at everybody. In the near term, the mostly white movement faces a possible showdown with the religious right over divisive social issues. But its biggest challenge lies in tackling its extremist fringe, including those who equate Obama with Hitler and the "birther" movement that doubts Obama's U.S. citizenship and the legitimacy of his presidency. Okay, we need to draw a distinction between political beliefs and delusional conspiracy theories. Seriously. So much for the mid-term elections being boring.

And yet, despite the almost comical state of the U.S. political landscape, we're completely boring compared to other parts of the world.

Nigeria - The speaker of Nigeria's senate has described Libya's leader Moamer Kadhafi as a 'mad man' after he suggested splitting the country between the Christian and Muslim communities to end sectarian violence. Isn't calling Kadhafi a mad man just a little bit redundant? It's like calling Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez a bit "unbalanced". Kadhafi proposed that Nigeria should follow the partition model of Pakistan, which was born in 1947 after the Muslim minority of predominantly Hindu India founded their own homeland. Right. We all know how well that worked out, don't we. That deal worked out so well that the two nations are pointing most of their nuclear arsenals at each other. Great plan. Kadhafi suggested that a Christian homeland in the south could have Lagos as its capital while a Muslim homeland in the north would have Abuja as its principal city. He said the two communities should peacefully agree to share Nigeria's oil and other natural wealth. In what parallel universe, does he imagine this might actual happen.

North Korea - And then there's these guys. North Korea executed a former senior official as punishment for the country's botched currency reform. I guess the rest of the world is behind the times. Usually, when a government official's policies don't work so well, we either ask for their resignation or vote them out of office. In November, North Korea redenominated its currency as part of efforts to lower inflation and reassert control over the country's nascent market economy. However, the measure reportedly worsened the country's food situation by forcing the closure of markets and sparked anger among many North Koreans left with piles of worthless bills. Pak Nam Gi, the ruling Workers' Party finance and planning department chief who spearheaded the currency reform, was executed by a firing squad in Pyongyang last week. Pak was accused of ruining the nation's economy in a blunder that also damaged public opinion and had a negative impact on leader Kim Jong Il's plan to hand power over to his youngest son. Well now, if that isn't grounds for "firing" someone, I don't know what is. Many North Koreans believe the government used Pak as a scapegoat for the failed currency reform. Do you think? One final thought on this. I don't wish to give the impression that I'm trivializing a very disturbing turn of events. Far from it. My intent is to call attention to that absolute lunacy being exhibited by a government, which coincidentally happens to be in possession of some serious firepower. I'm not amused by this, I'm scared.

March Madness - For those of you familiar with the annual men's college basketball tournament, this one is for you. Four games into the first round, my bracket is already hosed. Murray State (13 seed) beat Vanderbilt (4 seed). What the hell?

What Caught My Eye Today - 2010 Census Edition

Fred's Note: To regular readers of this blog, my proclivity for statistical information is well documented. (Quick sidebar. It's taken 612 postings, but I have finally managed to work one of my favorite words--proclivity--into a sentence.) So, naturally, with Census day coming up how could I pass up on the numbers bonanza about to get under way without a sharing a few ruminations on the subject. (Another sidebar. Ruminations--another bitchin' word). First a quick primer on the census.

Census - The Twenty-third United States Census is the next national census in the United States. National Census Day is April 1, 2010. The census has been conducted every 10 years since 1790, as required by the United States Constitution, with the previous one completed in 2000. The Census Bureau will no longer use a long form for the 2010 Census. In several previous censuses, one in six households received this long form, which asked for detailed social and economic information. The 2010 Census will use only a short form asking ten basic questions, including name, gender, age, date of birth, race, and homeownership status. I'll have some thoughts on this in a moment. The Government Accountability Office estimated in 2004 that the cost of the 2010 Census would be over $11 billion. This too. The results of the 2010 census will determine the number of seats each state receives in the United States House of Representatives starting with the 2012 elections. Consequently, this will also affect the number of votes that states receive in the Electoral College for the 2012 presidential election. Good news if you live in Texas and a number of other sunbelt states; not so much if you live in the rust belt or New England.

Okay, enough with the factoids. Now for some commentary.

I appreciate the fact that the Constitution states that the census is meant to count people, which I guess the census form that I filled out accomplishes, but for some reason I feel short changed. I've waited 10 years for my existence to be acknowledged by my country, and all I get to do is confirm my sex, age and address. What a letdown. And what is this about spending $11 billion on this year's census. Are they nuts? Hear me out on this one. The U.S. population is approximately 309 million. Does it really take $36 to count a person. Seriously.

But back to those questions. Here's what I've decided to do. I've come up with some of the questions that I think the Census Bureau should have asked me, and my responses would have been. Who knows. Maybe in 10 years, the census will manage to count what really matters.

1. If you could live anywhere else besides the U.S. where would you live?
   Trick question. You bastards are trying to peg me as a terrorist. Well it won't work. I am all about the Stars and Stripes, you pinkos.
2. Do you consider yourself attractive
   Hell yes.
3. Do others consider you attractive?
   The ones who can see straight think so.
4. How many Facebook friends do you have?
   Too many to count. I am just that awesome.
5. Do you consider yourself religous?
   I don't like to brag but, yes, I've been part of some "religious experiences". Giddy up.
6. Democrat or Republican?
   Oh come on. There must be some other option.
7. Red or blue?
   I see myself as more of a paisley sort of person.
8. Boxers or briefs?
   Commando all the way, baby!
9. Cats or dogs?
   Oh please. Dogs rule.
10. Heads or tails?
    Huh?
    
    Finally, for purposes of demographics:
11. Sex?
    Yes, please.
12. Age?
    Old enough to know better than to answer this one.
13. Income?
    Not nearly enough for what I bring to the table.
14. Marital Status?
    7 years and counting.
15. Occupation?
    Pre-retired.

What Caught My Eye Today

Israel - This is one of those "with friends like this, who needs enemies" stories. Last week, Israeli officials angered visiting U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden by announcing the building of 1,600 new homes in occupied East Jerusalem. Just hours before the announcement, Biden had emphasized how close relations were, saying there was "no space" between Israel and the U.S. The Obama administration said Israel's announcement of plans to build 1,600 homes for Jews in East Jerusalem was "destructive" to peace efforts. That's a little dramatic, don't you think? Palestinian leaders say indirect peace talks with Israel are now "doubtful". I'm not sure these so called indirect peace talks were going to amount to much, but still indirect talks are surely better than no talks. Israel's ambassador to the U.S., Michael Oren, was summoned to the state department and was reprimanded about the affair. Afterwards Oren said ties between Israel and the United States were at their lowest point in 35 years. Okay, scratch that last comment about the White House being too dramatic. This dude, needs to suck it up. So he got a diplomatic tongue lashing. Big deal. This sort of thing happens all time. Heck, there is probably even a script that the affected parties follow for this nonsense.

Iran - President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's hard-line government has banned Iran's largest pro-reform political party in a new strike against an opposition movement that has largely been swept from the streets since last year's post-election turmoil. Poor Mahmoud. How frustrating is this? Think about it. Boyfriend stole that election fair and square under the watchful eye of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. People, you need to get over this obsession with democracy. If your opinions truly mattered, don't you think that Ahmadinejad would have acknowledge that by now?

Tigers - According to the secretary general of the 175-nation Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species, the world has "failed miserably" at protecting tigers in the wild, bringing an animal that is a symbol for many cultures and religions to "the verge of extinction." Just 20 years ago there were 100,000 tigers in Asia, but now only 3,200 remain in the wild. For those of you who aren't math whizzes, that's almost a 97% decrease in population in just 20 years. Tigers are poached for their skins and parts of their bodies are prized for decoration and traditional medicine. Delegates at the U.N. conference will also consider the spike in rhino poaching and ways to combat criminal networks involved in the illegal trade in horns in parts of Africa and Asia. All in all, there are 42 proposals on the table, ranging from stopping elephant poaching to banning trade in polar bear skins. I recognize that there are complexities that need to be considered by parties that don't see eye-to-eye on very many things, but if a decision isn't reached soon, Mother Nature will take matters into her own hands, and soon the only place we will be able to see tigers, rhinos, polar bears, and elephants is in pictures. Does anyone really what to see that happen?

Time - How many times have you muttered to yourselves that there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything you set out to do? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but things just got a bit more rushed. The massive magnitude 8.8 earthquake that rocked Chile in February was so deep and strong that it redistributed Earth's mass. That movement shifted the axis around which the Earth is balanced by about 3 inches, enough to speed up the Earth's rotation. the faster Earth rotates, the shorter the day. So just how much are we screwed by this? Not so much as it turns out. Thanks to the Chile quake, the day is now 1.26 millionths of a second shorter than it used to be, which is twice the amount of time that was sliced as a result of the 2004 earthquake in Sumatra. Let me break it down for you. If you are lucky enough to live to the year 3380, you will have been witness to the cumulative loss of one whole second.

Money - A group of 14 Republican congressmen has introduced legislation to have the image of Ronald Reagan's face enshrined on the $50 bill, displacing that of Ulysses S. Grant. Interesting, though I'd be much more in favor of a national holiday...one that my employer would be compelled to acknowledge and honor by giving me the day off. Representative Patrick McHenry (R - North Carolina) cites a recent poll that ranked Reagan as the 6th greatest American president to Grant's lowly 29th ranking and said, "every generation needs its own heroes." Yeah, winning the Civil War may have been newsworthy back in day (the Civil War was fought like a thousand years ago, wasn't it?), but it isn't as if Grant ever got anyone to tear down any walls. I'm thinking we leave well enough alone. Of course, I voted Democrat in the last election, so what do I know.

What Caught My Eye Today

Personal Wealth - The fine folks at Forbes have released their annual list of billionaires. Ay Caramba! Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim is the world's richest person ($53.5 billion) (Rat bastard), knocking Microsoft founder Bill Gates into second spot ($53 billion) (Capitalist pig). It is only the second time since 1995 that Gates has lost the crown. Investor Warren Buffett came in at No. 3 with $47 billion. I hope you choke on it. There are now 1,011 billionaires, compared with 793 in 2009 and 1,125 in 2008. May they all be struck down by lightning. The average billionaire is now worth $3.5 billion, up $500 million from last year. And the number of women on the list rose to 89 from 72 last year. For the first time, China is now home to the most billionaires outside of the United States. The top homes to billionaires are New York with 60 and Moscow with 50, followed by London with 32. There are 55 countries represented on the list with billionaires from Pakistan and Finland making appearances for the first time. Contrary to what many people might think, I bear no ill will toward anyone on this list. I'm sure they all worked very hard and are entitled to just compensation. Besides, I'm all good. Just this morning, I was fishing through my pockets and found a 5 sport. I'm living the high life.

Greece - Clashes between riot police and rock-throwing, masked youths broke out during a demonstration in Athens by tens of thousands of striking workers protesting austerity measures that the Greek government has said it has no choice but to implement. In plain English, austerity is when a government reduces its spending and/or increases taxes to pay back creditors. In other words, when governments find themselves in the awkward position of having to live within their means. The debt-ridden country is under intense pressure from both markets and the European Union to reduce its deficit from 12.7% of economic output in 2009 to 8.7% this year. While public anger has grown, it has been mitigated by a general understanding that something must be done to pull the country out of a crisis that has made its cost of borrowing skyrocket. Here's an idea. I did some checking (shocking, I know). Greece has an annual GDP of just under $382 billion. 8.7% percent of that just over $33 billion. That dude, Carlos Slim could easily cover that and have a nice tax deduction to boot. Presto. Problem solved.

Auto Defects - Perhaps you have heard about those minor defects that seem to be plaguing Toyota with increasing frequency. A Toyota executive said the company is "mystified" by a report that a California man's Prius gas pedal became stuck and caused the car to speed out of control on a California freeway. Of course they are. The driver quickly became the face of the Toyota gas pedal scandal after he called 911 to report losing control of his Prius earlier this week. His car reached nerve-rattling speeds of 94 mph before an officer helped bring it to a stop. Federal investigators are looking into the incident, and Toyota officials said they have talked extensively to man about the episode. The senior vice president of automotive operations for Toyota Motor Sales, said all Priuses are equipped with a computer system that cuts power to the wheels if the brake and gas pedals are depressed at the same time — something the man was doing. "It's tough for us to say if we're skeptical. I'm mystified in how it could happen with the brake override system," he said. Dude, it's called faulty software. Happens all the time. This why I say that software should stay in computers. Last time I checked there weren't many 3,000 pound computers barreling out of control down the interstate.

Healthcare - Conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh said this week he’d go to Costa Rica for medical treatment if Congress passes proposed reforms to the US healthcare system. Not a bad choice, actually. Boyfriend clearly did some homework on this one. Costa Rica has one of the longest standing socialized healthcare systems on the planet. Everyone is required to pay into the government-run health system, whether they use it or not. Life expectancy in this little Central American country surpasses that of the United States and at one point, back in the early 2000s when the World Health Organization rated countries’ general health, Costa Rica ranked higher (No. 36) than the U.S. (No. 37), despite spending 87% less on health care per capita. So here's the rub against Mr. Limbaugh. He clarified his comment about leaving the United States, after "the liberal media" celebrated his vow of self-imposed exile, viewing healthcare reform as a way to rid themselves of the conservative talk show host. "If I have to get thrown into this massive government health care insurance business and end up going to the driver's license office every day when I need to go to the doctor, yeah, I'll go to Costa Rica for treatment, not move there." Oh sure, the liberal media is at fault for Mr. Blowhard's comments. Should we assume, based in his logic, that Mr. Limbaugh's thoughts are being supplied to him by that same demonic "liberal media"? Dude, they're having fun with you. What, you've never taken advantage of any missteps of your liberal counterparts? Grow a backbone, you wuss.

What Caught My Eye Today

Law Enforcement - Here's a question for you. What would be the appropriate punishment for causing a worldwide disruption in air travel in order to kiss your girlfriend one last time before she boards a plane. Apparently, $500. A lovesick student, who dodged airport security to kiss his girlfriend goodbye has apologised for causing more than 100 flight delays, 27 cancellations and stranding 16,000 passengers. The student ducked under a rope barrier at Newark Airport in New Jersey for a final kiss with his girlfriend before she left for California and inadvertently caused a security breach which closed the terminal for six hours. He admitted that he purposefully dodged security, spotting an official leave his post, and took the moment to catch-up with his girlfriend and walk her to her gate. The student then calmly left the airport unaware of the mayhem that ensued inside. The entire terminal was evacuated and closed while officials investigated the breach and passengers were only allowed back in after being re-screened by security. The student avoided jail and was instead ordered to pay a $500 fine, plus additional court costs, and perform 100 hours of community service. Setting aside the fact that this moron is too stupid to live, I might recommend some subtle changes in appearance. If I was one of those 16,000 stranded passengers, I'd be looking for more than a few hours of community service. I'd want blood, but then again, I've been told I have anger management issues.

Education - Math and English instruction in the United States moved a step closer to uniform — and more rigorous — standards. Let me guess. Students are actually going to have to demonstrate that they can read, write and add two numbers without the use of a calculator before they are given college diplomas. The effort is expected to lead to standardization of textbooks and testing and make learning easier for students who move from state to state. The effort is endorsed by 48 states, two territories and the District of Columbia and the new standards are intended to raise expectations of student achievement in some states and be in line with the educational expectations of top-performing states and countries. There are 50 states, aren't there? Texas and Alaska are the only states not participating in the national standards effort. Texas' commissioner of education said "Texas has chosen to preserve its sovereign authority to determine what is appropriate for Texas children to learn in its public schools." Maybe it's just me, but would anyone really notice (or care) if Texas seceded from the U.S.? As for Alaska--those kids are doing just fine, if you ask me. In a recent survey, 9 out of 10 children correctly identified Russia from their houses (for those unfamiliar with Sarah Palin, the humor here is probably not terribly evident).

Egypt - Egyptian clerics are cracking down on the sinful uses of modern technology. Egypt's highest cleric issued a fatwa banning the used of the Muslim payer call or any verse from the Quran as a cell phone ring tone. This is what they're worried about? I was totally thinking something else, along the lines of adult entertainment, if you know what I mean. Another cleric call for a ban on Facebook, saying the social-networking site was breaking up marriages by encouraging people to reconnect with former flames. The cleric was responding to reports of a study that found one in five Egyptian divorces is the result of Facebook. Seems a bit draconian to me, especially considering this... The study turned out to be an Internet hoax. So to sum up: Religious ring tones - bad; Facebook - bad; Internet Porn - still okay.

Potpourri - More fascinating nuggets of information of a statistical nature.

• Personal Income - The income of the 400 richest Americans rose an average of 31% in 2007, before the recession hit. Because of tax cuts on wages and capital gains, these individuals paid an effective tax rate of 16.6% on their average income of $344.8 million. I chalk up my bitterness to the fact that as one of the hundreds of millions of 401st richest Americans, I getting totally screwed on my taxes.
• France - The French now spend an average of 31 minutes eating lunch, down from an hour and 38 minutes in 1975. I'm guessing, the spend that other hour bitching about the fact that their lunch time has been cut back so much.
• Olympics - Olympic organizers in Vancouver stocked its two Olympic Villages with 100,000 condoms--14 condoms for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed there. At the Sydney Games in 2000, officials handed out 70,000 condoms and had to order 20,000 more. I was under the impression that Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth. Clearly, I was way mistaken on that one.

What Caught My Eye Today

Venezuela - A Spanish judge has accused Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez of aiding in a plot to assassinate Colombian President Alvar Uribe and other Colombian officials when they traveled to Spain in 2003. The allegations are based on information obtained from the laptop computer of a FARC commander killed by Colombian armed forces in 2008, detailing links between the Colombian guerrilla group and the Venezuelan government. Venezuela's Foreign Ministry called the charges "biased and unfounded" and alleged that the Colombian government had planted the data on the laptop. Surprisingly, I find myself agreeing with Venezuela on one count, the data easily could have been planted. Though, I tend to think this smacks much more of the CIA than the Colombian government.

Zimbabwe - The Zimbabwe government has outlawed foreign businesses. Can you do that? Under the new law, foreign-owned companies must transfer at least 51% of their shares to black Zimbabweans within five years. Economists, business leader, and labor leaders all oppose the law, saying the law will strangle what little foreign investment Zimbabwe attracts. Really? I was under the impression that Zimbabwe attract no foreign investment at all. Critics fear that the shares will be given to Mugabe cronies, just as white-owned farms were seized and given to Mugabe's friends during the "land reform" program a few years ago. Tut, tut. I'm sure Mr. Mugabe has learned from his past transgressions, I don't see what could possibly go wrong with this plan. Zimbabwe suffers from runaway inflation and an unemployment rate above 90%. Seriously, with things as bad as they are now, will anyone really notice if inflation jumps a few ticks from the current annual rate of 6.5 quindecillion novemdecillion percent (65 followed by 107 zeros; I looked it up) or if the unemployment rate surges for 90% to 95%? I think not.

Brazil - A Devassa beer commercial featuring socialite Paris Hilton has been pulled from Brazialian television after complaints that it was too sexy. This is Brazil we're talking about right? After receiving complaints from viewers, the government, and at least on rival brewer, Brazil's advertising industry group asked Devassa to pull the ad, saying it violated a regulation that commercials can't treat women as sex objects. That's right. Only men can do that.. Devassa's logo is a woman in a bikini. Kind of ironic, don't you think? At any rate, you can judge for yourselves (click here). Bear in mind that this is the same country famous (or infamous) for Carnaval, which we all know has it's fair share of scantily clothed individuals of the female persuasion.

Uzbekistan - I guess you could call this "extreme population control". Under a recent Health Ministry directive, Uzbek gynecologists have been ordered to "persuade' at least two women per month to have hysterectomies a month each in order to keep the population down. In fairness to the people, I don't imagine there is a lot to do in Uzbekistan, so you cannot fault them too much for finding creative ways to pass the time. And get this. Apparently, this isn't the first time, Uzbekistan has done this sort of thing. The former Soviet republic began forced sterilizations in 1999, when it had a birth rate of more than 4 children per woman. The practice was stopped in 2003, after it was exposed but apparently has been restarted. I'm no expert, but rather than resorting to such extreme and irreversible surgical procedures, has anyone in the Uzbek government given any thought to a slightly less invasive solution. They are called CONDOMS, people! And they are 98% effective, when those horny little buggers put them on correctly.