What Caught My Eye Today

Severance - U.S. employers shed 533,000 jobs in November and used almost as many euphemisms to describe the layoffs. Yet no matter how much wordsmithing was used, the poor schleps on the receiving end still found themselves in the same quandary--without a paycheck. These days the code words go beyond "downsizing" and "rightsizing". "Rightsizing"? That's a new one for me. Nokia referred to its 9,000 cuts as "synergy-related headcount adjustment goal." Come again? A few weeks earlier, eBay talked about "actions to simplify our organization.". Then there's "offboarding" and "reduction in force," which in its acronym form (RIF), has become a verb in management circles. And these jerks wonder why the rank-and-file despise them. They cannot even be bothered to use whole words to get rid of us. The list goes on, including such phrases as "rationalizing," "surplusing," "de-verticalization," and "strategic review of strategies. These last few don't even make sense. Lest you think that this is a U.S. phenomenon, here are a few choice selections from around the globe. In Hong Kong terminated workers are said, "to have one's squid cooked". In China, workers are asked to xia gang or "to step down". In Japan, terminations are called risutora or "restructuring". And in France, it is referred to as a un plan social or "social plan". I'm sorry, but I don't think I would want my employer to cook my squid. Losing my job is bad enough. Let's leave my squid out of this.

Driving - Driving in America has undergone its most dramatic decline in history. Americans drove 100 billion fewer millions during the 12-month period ending October 2008 compared with 2007. I'm sure that $4 a gallon gas had nothing to do with that. Some have suggested that the fact that the trend has persisted even as gas prices are dropping confirms that America's travel habits are fundamentally changing. Or maybe, that those 533,000 newly unemployed workers don't have jobs to drive to anymore.

Arms Sales - American companies sold $32 billion in weapons to world markets last year, making in the planet's top arms dealer. High praise, indeed. In fact we sell double what the #2 country does--that would be Russia. But wait, here comes the best part of this story. More than half of the top 25 customers in the developing world are listed by the State Department as undemocratic or engaged in human rights abuses. You might recognize some of these 10 ten buyers as some of our "closest friends" #1 - India (not a big surprise); #2 - Saudi Arabia (got protect those oil supplies); #3 - China (yeah, that makes sense); #4 - UAE (we don't want "The World" sitting around all unprotected); #5 - Pakistan (we cannot arm India and forget about Pakistan); #6 - Egypt (I'm okay with this); #7 - Israel (the only surprise here is that Israel is this far down the list); #8 - South Korea (take that Kim Jong Il); #9 - Syria (why?); #10 - Venezuela (again, why?)

Mustard - Here's another sure signal that civilization as we know it has completely imploded. Dijon, the capital of Burgundy that has been famous for mustard since the 1600s, is losing its last mustard maker. Sacre bleu and Zut alors. Quelle horreur. Citing high costs as the 97 year old Amora Maille plant, Anglo-Dutch group Unilever, says it will halt production by the end of 2009 and move to a lower-cost site. Dijon-style mustard gets its distinctive taste from a juice made of unripe grapes. "Dijon" can be used on mustard made anywhere. And so it shall. Now does anyone else appreciate the irony that the owner of the last genuine Dijon mustard isn't even French.

Internet - As if us men weren't challenged enough in the romance department. Men looking for romance must now contend with a new rival: technology. 46% of women say they would rather go without sex for two weeks than go that long without Internet access. Only 30% of men would make the same trade-off. Yeah that stings. The male ego is fragile at best. This certainly doesn't help. At this rate, we might have to resort to drastic measure to keep our women happy. That's right guys, you know what I'm talking about. We may actually have to "spoon".