What Caught My Eye Today

Influenza - Perhaps you heard. There's a new bug in town. The swine flu epidemic entered a dangerous new phase as the death toll climbed in Mexico and the number of suspected cases there and in the United States nearly doubled. The World Health Organization raised its alert level but stopped short of declaring a global emergency. Yes, no need to overreact to an incurable new strain of the flu. Bear in mind that thousands of people have been murdered by drug cartels, but no travel advisories were prompted by that. The United States advised Americans against most travel to Mexico and ordered stepped up border checks in neighboring states. The European Union health commissioner advised Europeans to avoid nonessential travel both to Mexico and parts of the United States. See I have no problem with this. I never liked the French much anyway. (Oh relax, I'm joking.)

Montana - You know the old adage, "If you build it, they will come." Here's a fascinating little spin on that. A Montana town says its new jail could accommodate the 240 Gitmo detainees just fine. The development authority in the tiny town of Hardin built the $27 million, 460-bed prison two years ago but it has yet to welcome its first inmate. $27 million, and these rocket scientists decide to build a 460 bed prison. You all could think of anything else to spend that money on? So the city council voted 5-0 Tuesday in favor of transferring terror suspects from the military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. President Obama has said he wants to close the controversial facility there within the year. The local development director says the town of 3400 people is willing to stand up and take the prisoners. "It's our patriotic duty." He said. That and I bet you guys are desperate to turn something positive out of this mess you created.

Russia - Russia officially ended its decade-long "counterterrorism operation" in Chechnya, saying the Muslim separatist region was ready for "normalization." Translation: the Russians finally gave up hope of winning a conflict that has been dragging on for so long, most officials cannot remember why they went to war in the first place. The war began in 1999 under President Boris Yeltsin and was run by Vladimir Putin, who was then prime minister, later president, and is now prime minister again. So what does "normalization" mean in this particular context? According to local journalists, the number of bombings, terrorist attacks and murders as in the past remains high. It is a fairy tale that Chechnya has become a stable region. I see. "Normalization" is the same "pretty much the same as when we got here."

China - China is planning to release a list of "approved names," and people whose names aren't on it will have to change theirs. Are you serious? Authorities said the restrictions are necessary because the government is switching from handwritten ID cards to computer readable cards with photos and microchips. The computers will only be programmed to read a certain number of characters. China has a limited number of surnames--for example, some 92 million people are named Wang. I don't want to wander too far off the reservation here, but why doesn't the government just add a few more characters. I hear computers can store quite a bit these days.

Humor - I got this one from the missus. The following is courtesy of humorist Dave Barry. A word of caution to the men--this may hit a bit close to home.Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earnhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

I'm torn between #10 and #13. Both are priceless.