What Caught My Eye Today

Syria - Syria opened it first stock exchange, its most dramatic step yet toward loosening the state-controlled economy. Props on the timing there, guys. Syria's economy has been struggling because of oil prices, U.S. sanctions, and the global credit crunch. Now before you rush out and call your broker to diverse your holdings into this new stock exchange, keep this in mind. The Damascus Securities Exchange has just 6 listings--four banks, and advertising firm, and a transportation company--and will be open only on Mondays and Thursdays. So what? Get CNBC's Jim Cramer on the phone so he can tell me which stock to invest in; unless, of course, Jon Stewart happens to be available. (If you've been following the headlines, then you'll get this reference and hopefully find it somewhat amusing, otherwise, just move on to the next story.)

Economy - The value of the world's financial assets has fallen by $50 trillion since the economic crisis began about a year ago. That's equivalent to the world's total annual economic output. Hmm. I'm not sure, but stuff like this leads me to believe the global economy may be in trouble.

Senior Citizens - Senior citizens are objecting to Iowa's decision to change the Department of Elder Affairs to the Department of Aging Want to hazard a guess as to why? The renamed agency's acronym, DOA, is sometimes used to mean "Dead on Arrival". A government official said, "You can't have an acronym like this when you're referring to elderly people." Do you think? The department's communications director promised the new name would be abbreviated to "DA" rather than "DOA". Sure, that'll work. So like, why did they have to change the name in the first place. What's wrong with "Elder Affairs"?

Porn - Now, now. Before you get your knickers in a bunch, this next story has a scientific angle to it. Nothing smutty going on here. States with the highest concentration of politically conservative and traditionally religious people have the most interest in online pornography, Who else besides me enjoys the irony here? Of the top 10 porn-buying states, eight voted Republican in the last presidential election. In states were laws have been passed banning gay marriage, subscription rates to porn sites are 11% higher than states without such laws on the books. Utah boasts the highest porn-buying rate in the entire nation. In fairness to my Republican friends, Democrats were busy having sex with each other celebrating Obama's win, so they didn't have as much time to surf the net for porn.

Money - If counted out in $1000 bills, a million dollars would be a stack 4 inches high. To reach a billion dollars, that same stack of thousand dollar bills would have to be 358 feet tall. I think there is a rounding error going on here; when I did the math (4 inches times 1000--as in a thousand million--divided by 12--inches in a foot) I only came up with 333 feet, but I digress. To reach a trillion dollars the stack would stand almost 68 miles high. So there you have it.

Sleep - Americans are getting an average of 6.7 hours of sleep on weekdays, down from 7 hours in 2001. Yes, I'm sure that would explain why everyone is so cranky these days.