What Caught My Eye Today

We'll start today off with a little something different, something in the spirit of the holiday season.

Santa Claus - Experts have shown just how remarkable Santa Claus' annual feat of delivering presents to the world's children really is. Assuming that Santa visits 2.5 billion homes every Christmas, he has 34 microseconds per household to get in and out; that's about a tenth of the time it takes for a housefly's wing to flap once. To complete his task in 48 hours, Santa's reindeer have to travel at a speed of 3,604 miles per second. What makes this all the more astounding is that the weight of Santa's sleigh (along with all the presents) traveling at supersonic speed, would encounter such massive air resistance that it should burst into flames within 4 milliseconds of takeoff. The experts were unable to explain how Santa manages to defy the laws of physics. Well, duh. He's Santa. If he can manage 34 microseconds per house and steer eight tiny reindeer going Mach-4 (4.69 to be precise), the defying the laws of physics should be a piece of cake.

Venezuela - Venezuela created a new time zone for itself as President Hugo Chavez ordered that all clocks in the country be set back a half-hour. Chavez said that an earlier dawn would improve the performance of the country, since more people would wake up in daylight. "I don't care if they call me crazy," Chavez said. Well, that's good because that's exactly what we're going to do. Critics of the plan say this will be confusing for Venezuela to be out of sync with its neighbors, and that the move was motivated by Chavez's desire to be in a different time zone from the United States. Most of the political maneuvers that Chavez has undertaken so far could be linked to his desire to create a socialist state, but this time zone deal is beyond rational thinking of any kind. Hey Hugo, why stop at a new time zone? You should come up with your own calendar while you are at it. You don't want to use the same dates that us capitalist pigs in America use, do you?

Canada - For those of you that didn't know, Canada is officially bilingual recognizing both French and English as its official languages. A recent column in the Calgary Sun, suggested that bilingualism has failed. Despite billions spent trying to make Canadians proficient in both official languages, the proportion of English speakers who are conversant in French has risen from 7.1% to 7.4% in the past 5 years. The problem is that there's just no opportunity to practice the second language because French speakers and English speakers simply don't mix. In the French-speaking province of Quebec, language laws promoting French make it hard for kids to get adequate instruction in English. Outside Quebec, English-speaking Canadians are exposed to French, but even those who graduate from French-immersion schools may well never use French again. They could always do what we do in the states--one official language and a bunch of translations on government-related stuff reflecting the make up of the local population. In California, our state ballots and driver's license tests are translated into 4 or 5 languages.

Divorce - The Supreme Court of Rhode Island, where same-sex couples are not allowed to get married, ruled that they cannot get divorced either. A same-sex Rhode Island couple got married 3 years ago in Massachusetts. When they filed for divorce in their home state the petition was denied because Rhode Island state law defines marriage--and thus divorce--as being between a man and a woman. The couple are officially trapped in their marriage. Oh, there are so many directions that I could go on this one, but I'll go with the one that will most likely get me in hot water with the missus. Who among us married couples has not at one time or another felt trapped? How much must it suck for these two individuals that legally they can do nothing to rid themselves of each other? I'll say this for that poor couple--they'll certainly know what it means to have taken the other for better or for worse.

Joke - Once in a great while, I stumble upon a joke that's both funny and clean. We'll end today's posting with this...

One night on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says, "Look at the stars. What do you deduce?" Watson thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us, so I deduce that there is life on other planets." And Sherlock says, "No, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."